Wertman's Quickies

Quickie #1
One day, a husband came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a verysexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."So he tied her up and went fishing.
Quickie #2
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into thehouse. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! Whatshould I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said."Just get the hell out."
Quickie #3
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and theother is a husband.
Quickie #4
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First,of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a cardwith the letters:'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'"Can you read this?" the optician asked."Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
Quickie #5
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tellyou all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.""Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
Quickie #6
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly,herhusband burst into the kitchen."Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You'recooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them TURN THEM NOW!We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?They're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVERlisten to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are youCRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know youalways forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THESALT!!!"The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think Idon't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "Iwanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Quickie #7
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, wasdrafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issuedhim a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. Onhis second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon theArmy dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issuedhim a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Thanks Danny for making us smile...